Am I Ruining My Kids?

If you're a parent going through psychiatric drug withdrawal, this one is for you. I'm going to share some of my tips, my tricks, and just my comforts to you through this process. Some of the things that helped me through the darkest days, and some of the perspective I have now, of hope and encouragement as you're going through this.

If you are going through psychiatric drug withdrawal, I am so sorry, but I am glad you found me here.

Fear and Looping Thoughts

Some of the biggest things you may be dealing with are the looping thoughts and the very, very intense fear. Already as a parent, you feel that sense of responsibility for your kids and you carry that weight. So when you add on to that a process where thoughts can become very extreme and very negative, it can be really hard to deal with those fearful thoughts.

In my last video I talked about the depression angle, how the depressive thoughts and the depression experience can make parenting really difficult. I also covered some of the grief in that video. Just know that your perspective of yourself is not accurate right now. It is so skewed negative, and that's not your fault. It's not like you're doing anything wrong to make it that way.

It just is going to be skewed negative. But the truth is there's so much good about you. Your kids actually think you're awesome. They're so glad you're their parent. You've got this way more than you know. And they don't need you to be superhuman. They just need you to be a human who's in the game, who loves them.

And if right now you're thinking, well, I'm on the sidelines, I'm not even in the game, that can be part of the withdrawal process. We feel like we're not even in our own life, or our life is over, and it's just not true. Your life is not over and your kids don't see you that way.

It's just very much the false news alert of what your brain is telling you in withdrawal. That overwhelming feeling of doom or gloom or regret, the looping thoughts, the terrible thoughts about yourself and the parent you've been: all of that is withdrawal, and as you heal, that's going to lift, and you're going to have such a balanced and joyful perspective.

Guilt, Grief, and Hope

That guilt and grief, those feelings of loss when you're a parent in this, waiting, waiting, waiting to feel better and to feel like you can really engage fully: that is not the final word. That is just part of the process.

It's not your fault. It's just something that is happening to you. It's a kind of suffering that's unusual and hard to grasp. But it's not something for you to beat yourself up about. It's something you are going to heal from, and that is going to be the lasting impact. Your story of healing, your example of going through something hard and coming out of it, is what's really going to benefit your kids and build them up.

Terror and Catastrophizing

The next thing I wanted to cover is the anxiety, which I feel like anxiety isn't quite the word. It's more like sheer terror and horrific catastrophizing. Worst case scenario, extreme negativity, worst possible outcome: that might be where your brain is at right now.

Some of the things I really, really struggled with during withdrawal when it came to fear: fear of traumatizing my kids, and I hear this one a lot from other people too; fear about the lost time; fear about not making good memories; fear you have ruined their childhood; fear you have failed as a parent; fear you can't heal because you don't have the time to focus on yourself. There can be some really, really extreme fears, feelings of regret and despair, the feeling that your life is over and the best years are in the past.

Maybe you even feel like you can't look at old photos of your kids from before this happened because you feel terrible guilt or remorse or loss. Some of that is the withdrawal. Actually, a lot of it is. Withdrawal is going to make negativity look more negative. So if there's a small amount of grief or loss or change that's like, oh, that was hard, it's going to look enormous in withdrawal.

That's because you don't have balanced brain chemistry right now. It is all getting worked out and figured out, restructured and rebuilt. It is like a full blown building project happening in there. And so you might not have any of that balancing perspective that gives you any information on the positive, on what's actually going well, on what you've done well, on how your kids are doing right now.

Borrowing Perspective

So just take my word for it: so much of your fears are fake news. That's what my husband and I, he just started calling it fake news, because I would be like, I'm afraid of this, I'm afraid of that, and he'd just say, it's fake news. That's not actually what's happening.

Sometimes having someone else's perspective, someone who loves you, who knows you, who knows your kids, or who understands withdrawal and how it works, having that perspective can be so helpful. You can hold onto their encouragement, because you don't have to believe your thoughts. I know they feel so real, but you have to borrow perspective from other trustworthy people and give yourself permission to not believe all the newsfeed you're getting from your own brain.

And it's not going to be like that forever. When you experience healing, you're going to enter into a phase where you're recognizing positive things, thinking positive things, able to pick up on beauty and connection and joyful opportunities. You're going to get there, and you're going to be like, oh, this is what I was missing. This is what other people were talking about. But right now it's blocked. So just borrow from others, and take their word for it when they give you hope or positive perspective. If they're a trustworthy person, chances are they're right.

Explaining It to Your Kids and Leaning on Your Village

I wanted to share some of the things that I think really helped our relationships with my kids through this, because of course they did see the change in me.

One thing I did, and I mentioned it in my other video, is I named for them what was happening in a way they could digest and understand, so it wasn't scary or terrifying to them. It helped them understand the change they were seeing in me in a way that helped them feel more reassured.

Kids naturally are very egocentric, so they think if a major change is happening, it might be because of something they did. So it really helps them if you name what's happening and let them know the reason. For example, when I was in the bed phase of my withdrawal, my husband was taking care of the kids while also working from home. He was like my knight in shining armor. And I felt like, oh my gosh, I'm not doing anything, this is so horrible.

But give yourself permission in this time to be the person healing. Things happen. Injuries happen. It's okay to receive support and help from others. So when you feel like you're not giving them enough, it takes a village, and it's okay right now to get a little more help from your village, whoever that may be. A really involved auntie, an available grandma or grandpa, or maybe your partner if they're able to be home more. Do not think you have to do it all on your own. Even if it's just someone coming over to read books with them or do movie night, bringing joyful, positive people into the home is going to help them stay afloat and feel joyful, because right now you may not have the kind of energy to match their energy.

One of the ways I explained things to people was just that I was dealing with some health issues and really struggling with a lot of fatigue. Not everybody understands withdrawal, but they could understand health issues or a chronic health issue, and they could understand fatigue. I didn't really have to go into more detail. I could just reassure them: I'm going to heal, we could just use some more help right now.

For my kids, my broken record way of explaining it was: I'm going through a withdrawal process from a medication that we thought was helping me, but it actually wasn't. Now as I'm getting off of it, my body's having to readjust and I'm having a lot of exhaustion and a lot of weird symptoms that make me feel sick. That's why I'm resting in my room more. That's why I don't have a lot of energy and I'm not able to go to the park and do as many fun things right now, but I'm going to heal.

Then they could celebrate the healing with me as it happened, and they didn't have to take it personally.

It'll be different depending on the age of your kids. Your youngest may not even care: who wants to nap all the time, boring, you know? And your older one might ask why. So I would just do small, safe versions of the story, nothing that would scare them, just enough for them to understand it's not them, but I am going to heal. It's not you, it's not anything you did. It's just my body going through this healing process, and you can pray for me, or you could lay next to me and read your book when you want to.

Provide ways of connection that they can still have. Maybe you're up for reading side by side, or you're able to read to them at bedtime. Whatever it is you can do, do it, and tell them how much you love them. Even if you're only doing a tiny fraction of what you used to do, let them know you miss them, let them know how excited you are for when you heal and all the fun things you're going to do more of together. And share with them how much you love the time you do get.

Like if you make a dinner for them and you have a window and you can cook, you make their favorite meal and you're like: I love you guys, and I felt good enough that I could make this meal, and I'm so happy I got to have these hours today to feel good enough to do it. I love having this dinner with you.

Just bring in those affirmations and encouragement because that's going to lift their spirits. And really, honestly, it's those tiny things that make all the difference. Even when you're in withdrawal, even if you only have a tiny bit you can do, that's enough. Love and kindness and thoughtfulness with the tiny bit you have is enough to make them feel so much more safety and security and hope.

And honestly, if they're carefree, that's a good sign. If they could care less what's going on with you and they're just living their life, wanting to have friends over, wanting to go here and go there, you might be like, oh my gosh, the energy. But that's a good sign.

Buffering Meltdowns

If you get to the point where you've just lost it, let's just be honest, we have all been there as parents. And in withdrawal, we are so much more vulnerable to that, feeling at our absolute worst and at our absolute wits' end.

I had some strategies for handling that. If I could feel it coming, I would put on a show for my kids and then run to the bedroom and cry. Or I'd say, hey, Mommy's gotta take a phone call, and maybe I'd be in the closet in my room, calling a withdrawal buddy. I would try to buffer so that they didn't have to take the emotional brunt of what was going on, whatever the intense physiological thing was that brought on terror or the feeling like I needed to scream my head off, whatever it was. I would try to get some space.

I remember one time running to the car. It was in that time where I could get out of the house sometimes, maybe just barely. I brought them to a sports thing and we were in a big gym, and it felt like a colossal wave hit me as I brought them there. I felt myself completely overcome, tears coming, and I just bolted to the minivan. Shut the door and I'm just bawling my eyes out.

It was such a godsend that one of my withdrawal buddies had texted me and could talk to me in that moment, because I was like, I don't know how I'm going to get it together and go in there and be around all these parents and get my kids. I felt like I was under a rushing wave. I was able to talk it all out and cry it all out in the car while they were doing their sport thing and had no idea. Then I go back in, barely hanging it together, but it got me through. It brought down the intensity where I could actually walk out of the car and go get them. Hey guys, y'all done, did it go well? And drive home.

Finding ways to buffer can be a huge help. You're protecting them emotionally. You just do the best you can.

Repair After Conflict

But when they do see it, and they may really see it, they may see you broken down, come out of a room and find you crying on the couch, or maybe you've lost your temper and started screaming: it happens, you know?

And the main thing is, it's okay. We are not supposed to be perfect parents. We can't be perfect parents. That's not what this is about. Are we also requiring that they be perfect children? This is not about perfection. This is about love. And what does love do when someone hurts? We care.

So the thing to do when we've noticed we've hurt or scared our kid is simply to repair. And that is so doable. You can do this. If you've ever found yourself losing it at your kid, you can go back later and be like, "Hey, I really lost it. I am so sorry. Sometimes I get really crabby in this withdrawal, and I get grumpy, and I hurt your feelings and I was really rude. Or I snapped at you in a way that really hurt. Or I yelled." Whatever it was, name it. Own it. And just be like, "I'm so sorry. I'm sorry I scared you and I love you, and I'm getting better and I'm going to try my best to not ever do that again. And I was wondering if you could forgive me."

I cannot tell you how much that has helped us. We can't be perfect, but we can repair when things go sideways, and that will keep your relationship safe. Because when that repair happens, they don't have to take it on as if they are responsible for your emotions and your withdrawal. That's what we don't want to happen. We don't want them to become responsible for your pain. That's not their job. But they may see it, and you might mess up, and just being honest about it, owning it, taking back the weight of that onto yourself: "That's mom's job, or dad's job. That was my bad attitude. That was my bad reaction. And I want you to know I love you and I'm going to try to do better."

Stronger Family Bonds

Those are some of the things that have really helped us in the thick of it and helped us have good relationships, like stronger relationships, even through something that bad.

Really, guys, I would not have had these kinds of conversations with my kids if I hadn't gone through this. There were so many things I would've been like, eh, I don't need to talk about that, that's really uncomfortable. This has broken me open where I will talk to them about anything, at their age level and in a way that's helpful for them.

It has built so much closeness, that open heart, open door, love each other through anything. They've been able to see what it is to have more of an unconditional love. They've been able to see me be loved through my withdrawal by my husband, who stuck with me and supported me through it, even though I wasn't exactly at my best. And they were able to see that model of commitment, and then my commitment to keep going and do the best I could with what I had. That kind of resilience is such a strength to pass on to your kids.

You don't have to pass on perfection. That's not what parenting's about. It's about love, and you figure out what's important to you to pass on to your kids. For me, I realized it's about love, it's about honesty, it's about them, not me. I had to do certain things that got my view off of myself, and our relationships now have deepened, strengthened, broadened their perspective of life and of people, and given us confidence in each other, that hey, if something tough comes up, that's something we can talk about. That's something we're here for. That's something we can love each other through. It's brought us from more of a superficial place to more of a deep place as a family.

You Will Come Through This

Those are some of my takeaways, some of the things I have learned in the midst of this horrible experience. And I promise you, you will learn things too, and you'll come out of this with really great life lessons that aren't based on theory, but based on your experience.

Everything you're doing to come through this every day will be such a gift to you, and to your kids, and to others in years to come.

All of the negativity you're experiencing, the darkness and the fear, the shame and the guilt: all those things are going to lift as you heal. And you're going to have a healed perspective of yourself and of your life and of your children.

I just want to give you all of that encouragement and hope right now. I do not wake up in the morning anymore depleted, filled with terror and doom and dread and guilt and shame. Not at all. I wake up and I'm like, oh, what do I have going on today? I'm getting my coffee, I'm going on a walk with my husband, I'm saying good morning to my kids, I'm getting started with them on their day. I enjoy them and I enjoy my husband and I enjoy doing activities and going places and being part of it. Driving my minivan all over the place for circus school and dance and bike team. I can show up and cheer them on, and my life is so full again. I have such an appreciation for all of those things.

There's just such delight and joy in being in the flow of life, being part of the activity, being in it, not all deeply sorrowful, feeling cut off from everything. It's such a joy that I don't take for granted at all, to just be alive and be part of their lives and be here for it.

It's going to happen for you too. So hang in there, my friend.