Is It Hopeless?

If you are a parent going through psychiatric drug withdrawal, this one is for you. I have walked in your shoes. I know what it's like to be in the depths of some of the most horrible withdrawal experiences and to be parenting at the same time, and to really not know or see your way out of it.

If that's you, if you are in the trenches of both withdrawal and parenting, I made this for you. I'm also going to share some of the things I found that minimized harm and increased relationship, safety, and connection in our family.

The Thunderstorm of Self-Blame and Warped Self-View

One of the things that can happen when you're going through withdrawal is you have almost an extreme re-experience of depression and anxiety, but bigger than anything you've experienced before. It doesn't even fit the category. It feels so debilitating and extreme.

You might have this really warped perspective of yourself. Some of the things you might be experiencing: extreme self-doubt over every parenting decision you've ever made; self-blame; horrible feelings of regret; a sense that all the best days are behind you and you'll never make good memories again with your kids. That you ruined the best days of your life. That you aren't even good enough to parent them. That you've already ruined their lives.

All of that is so withdrawal. I just want to name it for what it is.

It might feel like a barrage, like it is just hitting you over the head constantly and you can't get away from it. But I want to comfort you and tell you that is not the true story. There is so much good that you can't see right now because you are in that thunderstorm, that horrible onslaught of negativity. That's just part of the withdrawal experience.

So you have to take other people's word for it. If you have loved ones who know you very well and can remind you, "No, you haven't been awful. That's not actually true at all," sometimes those reminders can help. And also just take the word of others who've gone through withdrawal: it really does give you a warped perspective of yourself and makes you think of yourself in the worst possible way.

Staying Alive for Your Kids

I remember feeling so unfit as a parent when I was going through withdrawal. Almost like I couldn't make the mark. And a lot of you probably know exactly what I'm talking about: the suicidal ideation just feels very strong at times in withdrawal.

One of the things I did was flip it. I thought about what my kids would feel if I weren't there. And I made a commitment to myself that to them, me being there says they're worth it. So I made staying alive about them, not about me.

Because some of your worst thoughts, you can't even argue with them. You're like, yeah, I can't even argue with this, I'm the worst dirtbag in the world. That's how withdrawal brings you low. Well, then I would just say to myself: worst dirtbag or not, I'm staying alive for my kids. I'm going to be here for them, come hell or high water. It doesn't matter how bad I think I am; I've decided to stay here for them.

That flipping gave me motivation and strength that was outside of myself. So I encourage you, if you can, to take a perspective outside of yourself, that this isn't about you, and that this can be an act of love and of endurance. And that is enough. There is nothing else you have to prove or be or do.

What your kid needs is not a superhuman. They do not need whoever is in your head as the ideal parent. That is not actually what they need. They need you, and they need you choosing to stay alive for them. That's all it has to be right now. If in this crucible, in this time, you staying alive is your act of love, you choosing to be here is your act of love, you choosing them and wanting to be in their life is your act of love, then that is the most radical act of love as a parent: to put someone else first. That can become a powerful motivation for you in your healing and in coming through this.

Grief and the Loss of Who You Were

Another part is feeling the loss of time and of your abilities, because you remember what you were like before. Your kids remember what you were like before. Your husband or wife remembers what you were like before. All of you feel this impact, the change in your abilities and your presence, your energy, your mindset.

I want to validate those feelings. I'm not trying to brush this off as if it didn't happen or as if it's no big deal. There is grief in this. And sometimes that grief is going to come with feelings of guilt, and the guilt is not a true indicator.

Guilt is kind of part of the grief process. It's like our brain is saying: I'm in so much pain, let me make sure I never do this again. What did I do wrong that got me here? That's a natural brain response to grief. You might be feeling the grief of not being able to drive your kids to school, or not enjoying bringing them to playdates, and then feeling guilty, wondering what you did wrong.

But here's the thing: you did not do something wrong. This is an injury. This is something that happened to you. It is not a result of some horrific mistake you made. It's sad that this happened. I don't wish this on my worst enemy. I don't want to lightly dismiss that. But I do want to put that grief into perspective: the grief experience will give you a false sense of guilt that isn't actually real.

If you can just take a moment to receive even a tiny bit of what I'm saying, which is: this is not your fault. You did not do this. You did not intend harm to your family. You did not intend to make their childhoods harder. So give yourself relief from that guilt.

Letting Go of the Cushioned Childhood Dream

In withdrawal, we can lose perspective on something bigger, too. So let me bring it back a little.

In life in general, loss, change, and suffering are kind of baked into reality. And I sort of had this idea that I was going to cushion my children's childhood to be this plushy, wonderful, insulated experience without any suffering, just magic and wonder and joy, a nice backyard, a swing set, all the happy ideals of what childhood should be, minus all the negativity. I was just going to cushion that.

And one of the things I had to reckon with was that they are not inheriting a perfect, cushy world. That was going to break in at some point. At some point in their lives they were going to get a dose of how the world is not a perfect place. Disappointment happens. Hard things happen.

So it was almost like I had to update my own internal system, my own concept of what parenting was. It wasn't just about insulating them. And actually, insulating them maybe wasn't even setting them up for the kind of resilience and character strength that life demands of us.

I had to reorganize my concept of parenting: being their committed person who loves them, but that doesn't mean their life is a hundred percent cushioned. I took on more of this idea that I am there, I'm their biggest fan and cheerleader, their coach, their support, their rock. But I cannot change the fact that the world is an imperfect place and that hard things happen.

That change in my concept of parenting actually helped me accept this experience of suffering, not just for myself but in how it was affecting my kids' childhood. A good childhood doesn't mean an insulated childhood. A good parent doesn't mean one who proofs everything from any kind of suffering.

Naming It to Your Kids and Watching Them Breathe

In that process, I was actually able to become closer to my kids, which is just radical, even to be able to talk about now. I could be honest with them on their level. I could be vulnerable with them on their level, and affirm and acknowledge whatever their emotions were about what I was going through.

My three kids were 11, 10, and 6 when I was going through this. They recognized the changes in me, even though I tried to hide it. So what we ended up doing was just sharing with them: "Hey, I'm getting off of a medication and it's been affecting my body, making me so tired and giving me some weird symptoms. It's been harder for me to eat. It's been harder for me to sleep. I know I don't seem like myself, and I just need you to know it's not your fault, it's not anything you did. My body is just going through this healing process."

Just naming that and owning it gave them so much relief. Then they could not take it personally if I was up in my room sleeping and not coming out and hanging out with them, not going to the park, not doing the fun things. It could go in that bucket for them: oh right, Mom's still getting better from withdrawal.

The conversation went a little differently for each of them because they were different ages, but what we tried to do was give them a form that was digestible for their age and what they needed at the time.

I think what that does is relieve you from having to fake too much. There is a part of this where we do some fake-it-till-you-make-it because you don't want your kids to bear the brunt. I do think that can be part of getting through it. But naming it brought real relief, for them and for me. They weren't taking it personally anymore, and I could reassure them: "I love hanging out with you, I love being with you, but this is just not something I can do in the same way right now."

Brownies and Small Wins, Together

They've been able to witness my healing and see me come through it. That's been such a joy for all of us. They shared in that joy. They would point out things to me: "Mom, look, you can do this now and you couldn't do it before." For a while I couldn't have sugar, and they were like, "You're eating brownies, you must be better!" We were able to celebrate those wins and all of that healing together. And it wasn't emotionally overwhelming for them because they could stay within their age and their development.

I'm going to follow up with another video on this same topic covering the anxiety part, the extreme fear and terror of parenting through withdrawal. I also want to share more hope with you in that one, what family life looks like for us now and how far you really can come.

Your body is going to figure out how to heal. Your kids are going to see it. And you will have and treasure those memories, the whole story of this, for the rest of your lives. This can really draw people closer together. So don't give up and don't lose hope.