When You're Better, But Not 100%

Let's talk about ways of managing the messy middle of withdrawal... that stage where you're better than where you were, but you are not where you want to be and you're not feeling a hundred percent. Just the challenges of being in that middle place of not even being able to rely on yourself, and different strategies for healing through that stage.

What the Messy Middle Actually Looks Like

The messy middle is sort of the stage where you're not as acute as you were, but you still can't count on yourself to be totally clear-minded and functioning either. One day you might be able to do pretty well, function pretty well, get a lot done, and then the next day just be collapsing and completely debilitated with symptoms.

This can be really frustrating because you don't know how to even schedule for yourself. You're not sure what you're even going to be like tomorrow or the next day or the next week. It can feel really confusing and unpredictable to be in that stage where either you're doing better and can function somewhat, maybe even have some great functioning for a window of time, but then it kind of just disappears.

That is so common in the withdrawal process. One of the most confusing parts is just that constant reevaluation: am I better? Am I not better? Can I do things? Can I not do things? And I know that can come along with a lot of doubt and a lot of fear that you're back at the beginning, that you haven't actually healed, or that you're not going to heal.

Those are just some of the classic wave thoughts in the waves and windows pattern of healing. If you're experiencing that, just know the wave is going to pass. It's going to lift, and you are going to be able to do more again and to feel more like yourself. The hard part is just not knowing when and not knowing how it's going to lift.

Assessing the Day: Wave or Window

What I learned is that I had to do a lot of trial and error through the healing process. I would just kind of assess based on the day: is this a window day or a wave day? Maybe you'll get partial, like a partial wave, partial window, or a dirty window for part of the day, but at least with some relief.

So I would just kind of assess. And if I was having a wave, I would treat myself like I was having a wave. I'd just say: okay, this is a wave day. I am not going to be able to do as much. I need to be gentler on myself, or I need to do things that help my healing more. That's kind of what I did. Assess where I was at, wave or window, and treat myself accordingly.

Dream Without Committing

This is so common in withdrawal: sometimes you get a window and you're like, I am completely healed, I'm going to go back to work. And you start emailing your boss or making big plans for yourself. I'm back to my normal self.

What I learned was to allow myself those positive thoughts. Ooh, I want to go back to work. I have something else I want to do. I'm looking forward to doing this one project or activity, or I want to start this group, or whatever it is you're feeling inspired about. Let yourself dream about it. Maybe even write out your ideas and let yourself get excited about the future.

But don't commit. Just because I'm having a window doesn't mean I'm ready to commit.

I would even dream out loud with some of my friends or withdrawal buddies: I'm having positive thoughts, I'm feeling hopeful, I'm dreaming about doing X, Y, or Z, going on this trip, working part-time, whatever it was.

Definitely take a window as a chance to dream, because that window is a picture of the real you, a little snapshot of what you're going to be like when you're healed. It's exciting. You're getting to taste it. But it doesn't mean you're quite ready for the commitment. So just be gentle on yourself as far as committing goes.

Easing Back In

Ease yourself back into things. For instance, you might love hiking and want to go on a ten mile hike. Maybe do a one mile. If you haven't been hiking at all, maybe one and a half. Ease yourself in. Or you're a biker and you want to do a twenty mile ride: maybe just do a two mile stroll. Gently ease yourself in. You can remember what you used to be able to do and dream about doing it again, but ease yourself in and be gentle on yourself.

Maybe you love to garden and you're like, I'm going to re-mulch everything today. And you're carrying pounds and pounds of mulch. If we overdo it, we can crash, because we're sensitive. So just dabble in the things you love. They're going to remind you of your real self. You're going to be like, that's right, I love to garden. That's right, I love making this food. Whatever it is that's part of your personality and your passions, you might see it just kind of rekindle on a window day and reemerge, and that's a good thing. Relish it. Reminisce over how much you love those things and what you used to do, or dream about what you're going to do. But then be gentle about not overdoing it.

I had a mental sense of things I could do on window days. Those became more of the days I was willing to do playdates, have kids' friends over, a kind of last minute invite if friends were available. I learned to treat myself differently on a wave day and a window day, and even on window days to be gentle about easing back into normal-me activities.

A Wave Day Toolkit

For wave days, it might look like having a simple system: you rest, maybe you listen to meditations or healing stories, maybe you walk, maybe you make very simple food. You simplify as much as you can. You're trying not to overexert and you're trying to comfort and soothe and heal your nervous system. Then when you have more of a window, you can do gentle things, easing yourself back into the things you love or are passionate about or want to get done. Just go about it gently.

And know that it's tentative. Give yourself permission for it to be tentative. If you start getting really worn out, say: alright, maybe it's time to pause on this and just rest some, not push myself too hard. It's kind of a dance of learning how to reengage but not overdo it. And it doesn't have to be perfect. It's trial and error: you'll try something and think, was that too much? And then you assess afterward.

If it brings you into a deep wave, you're like: okay, maybe I overexerted. And then maybe you can strategize for next time. I'll do that activity but maybe not as intensely when I have a window.

The Beach Lesson

I remember going to the beach one day and then being in my bed the next day, even though I hadn't been in my bed for a while. I realized that was kind of overdoing it, either I was there too long or I just overexerted. So it gave me an idea: okay, maybe that's too far a reach for right now, but I can get back to that eventually.

Now I can go to the beach, no problem.

Take heart. You'll get your life back.

You're Going to Get Yourself Back, Plus Some

Overall, I just want to say: you're going to get more windows and you're going to get a greater portion of yourself back, and you'll have more and more confidence in that, and it's going to be so exciting.

It's like having your house repossessed and then getting parts of it back little by little. But you're going to get yourself back, plus some. You will get the things you love, your passions, your joys, your connections, all of that will come back plus some, because this is going to deepen you and you build amazing habits of resilience through withdrawal.

This is not a wasted time, and there can be such amazing fruit that comes from this hard time.

Those windows are definitely pictures of the real you reemerging, a picture of what it's going to be like on the other side, but even fuller and more reliable and more resolved.

So just stay in it, my friends. You are healing, minute by minute and day by day. I look forward to celebrating that with you.

❤️‍🩹 Joanna