The Third Year of Healing

This is my update at three years off psychiatric drugs. I stopped all psychiatric drugs three years ago, and it was cold turkey and a very fast taper, a really botched fast taper. Not ideal, not a recommended way to get off. I went through years of protracted withdrawal and symptoms, and I wanted to share with you how I'm doing now.

How I'm Functioning Now

So how am I functioning now? Guys, I am loving my life.

When I look over this last year, I can see improvement. At two years, I was like, "I'm pretty much healed." The second year was bumpy, but by the time I got to the two-year mark, I was a lot more myself, and I just had a totally different perspective. I was really starting to enter into healthy, normal life outside of just coping with withdrawal.

And then even over this last year, I have seen myself improve, and get more steady and more settled into living healed. It's new at first. Some things may linger or come back in and out, and there are still sensitivities. But I've definitely seen myself improve this last year, and I wanted to share some of those ways.

Withdrawal Themes Can Keep Healing

I had one particular withdrawal thought that I would still get, and it really bothered me, but it would especially bother me about once a month. I would just feel really beat down with it, which can be kind of normal hormonally. So I categorized it as probably just normal hormones and life and stress, just working through challenging life themes.

But I have even seen that get so much better, and I turned a corner with that withdrawal theme I've had.

You may have your own withdrawal themes where you think, "Well, this is my particular problem," and then withdrawal makes it super severe and it feels more pervasive, more all-consuming. I think you know what I mean when I talk about a withdrawal thought or a withdrawal theme. Those can heal even after you've healed. My perspective and my experience of those thoughts has changed. That would be one way I've seen improvement this last year.

My Memory Is Clearer

I also think my cognition has gotten better. I was dealing with cognitive symptoms and challenges a lot through withdrawal, and I still had some after. It was workable. I could function through it. But I have noticed this year that get better, and me get more clear and sharp mentally.

It's been really cool, because it was workable, it was fine, but I'd have days where, for example, on a stressful day, if I came out of the gym, I may not remember where I parked, and I'd just be walking in circles. That was a weird thing that happened in withdrawal, where some things would just get wiped from my memory, things that were recent. My short-term memory about little things seemed to not always work.

I still have that sometimes, but it's gotten a lot better over this year, where I'm remembering more and clearer than I remember being at the beginning of last year. That's just really cool. So you never know the ways, even after you come to a place where you're looking at withdrawal through the rear view mirror, there still may be other improvements ahead.

The Little Things Feel Rich

My overall functioning has been so good. I enjoy life so much, and I enjoy the little things so much. There's a beauty to life that's rich, and I think it may have to do with how experiencing so much pain can actually enlarge our capacity to enjoy life and to have joy and happiness. I've experienced more contentment and joy and appreciation over life, and I've seen that as one of the good changes that has happened in me through this.

I'll talk you through some of the things I wrote down about how I'm doing.

I'm Able to Work Again

I'm able to work again and function well through work, and show up for it, have a clear mind, have a positive outlook, get tasks done. All of that came back. It's just so amazing. All that came back.

To think from where I came from, just laying in my bed thinking, "I may never do that ever again," like that might be done, that might have been a total waste. My whole career dream for myself, working, I just thought that might be over.

Showing Up for My Kids

I'm also really involved with my kids' activities, so I can show up to their sports or music or whatever it is. They each have different interests. I'm able to be involved, to drive them to their activities, to enjoy them for what they are.

I have three kids, and as it typically is, you have to go in different directions for different activities. There's a lot of carting them around, or getting them together with friends. I've been able to be really involved with that and with their education, and just enjoy their age and stage and enjoy my relationships with them, because I'm not held back by all these symptoms. I'm able to enjoy it so much more.

I just have such an appreciation for my time, and that I get to have time with them and be present for those relationships in a more full way.

Marriage and Close Relationships

And then in my marriage too, and I know a lot of you can relate to this. Your core relationships in withdrawal, you may feel like, "I don't know if we're gonna make it. I don't know if I can show up for this relationship. I'm failing them." You might have mom guilt over the ways you're not able to show up as a mom, or dad guilt, or auntie guilt. Whoever the people in your life are that you feel like you have to show up for, you may feel guilt over the ways that you can't show up, or fear that you're going to lose connection with them.

I just want to encourage you so much about your own resilience, and also about the other people around you, that so much good can happen through this and then after. There's a lot of that collateral damage in relationships that can be recovered after, that feels impossible when you're in it.

In my marriage, this is such a draining, long, drawn-out healing process. You may have fears like, "What is our relationship going to be like afterwards?" Or, "I'm burning them out." All kinds of fears surrounding your closest relationships. But there is so much hope of how we can recover and make our way through these kinds of challenges.

At the three-year mark, things are going great in my marriage. I feel like we've been able to recover from how hard it was to go through the withdrawal, and now we're at this place where we value our relationship so much, and that we've come through that. That's been just awesome.

Friends, Church, and the Gym

I've been able to be connected with my close friends. I've been able to even make new friends, because I live in a new area, so that's been really cool. And I just have such an appreciation for and admiration for all the loved ones and friends who did support me through this. It's a really life-changing experience to have people who were cheering me on through this, even though I didn't have anything to offer when I was going through it. I was just asking for help.

I've been involved in a team starting a church with my husband and some of our friends, and that's been really cool to be a part of, to be active and connected in my community.

I work out three times a week, and I actually do lift weights. I've gotten stronger, and that's been really cool, because working out for a while in withdrawal was just horrible. I hated it. I remember I tried it for a while and then I had to stop, and then I did walking or jogging some of the time. But now I'm working out three times a week. I lift weights, I love it, or do cardio, and I love it. My core strength has gotten so much better, and physically I feel so much better.

Even My Hair Came Back

And even my hair. I don't know if you can see all this thick, wavy, curly hair. I had straight hair on medication. Before the medication I had kind of big waves, but it was wavy hair. Then on medication I had really straight hair. It just seemed to get straighter and straighter.

Now, it might also be where I live, because there's more humidity here, but now I have this straight up, it's even ringlets some days, and it's so thick. It had gotten so thin. I had lost so much hair through this, and then it grew in so thick and dark and curly, and I'm just amazed.

So that's my story of hope, even about hair, if you've been losing your hair through this. It's like my body is able to be its natural self and have curly, wavy hair and be thick naturally. That's been one of those fun Easter eggs of healing. "Oh, look at my hair. It's different."

A Transforming Fire

I would also say that going through the whole process of withdrawal and healing has been transformative to me in my inner person. I think I changed in ways I never would have if I didn't go through this, and I like the change.

It was like sacred ground. It was this sacred, transforming fire that changed me as a person, but in a good way, even though it felt so horrible to go through it. I feel actually really thankful that I went through it.

When I meet with you all, I can feel your pain. I remember what that was like. But I am also so excited for you, because I'm excited for what's after this for you. You can't picture, when you're in this, what good is coming for you when you're in the worst of it.

When I see you all, you're going through the most hellish agony of your life, and it's horrible. You hate it. But you can't see, and that's what the good news is that I have for you: you can't see the good that could come after this, but it's so real, and I can see that. I can even picture it with some of you. So many of you, when I meet with you, I think, oh my goodness, I can see the transformation happening. I can see, after the storm, how this is going to be transformative, and the good and the life and the beauty in their life coming after those revelations.

Not a Dumpster Fire

That is the biggest thing I wanted to share. No matter how bad it seems right now, no matter what your withdrawal themes are, your worst case scenarios, your catastrophic thinking, your huge life failures, the things you think you could never overcome, or that somehow quarantine you from the human race as some grand exception of someone who's never going to make it or succeed or thrive, or maybe not even make it. Any of those things seem like the biggest, hugest thing going on.

But the truth is that there is so much for you after this, and so much flourishing and health and healing that can be happening even through this. And that's the good news.

I felt like things could never go in a positive direction. I had just ruined my personal life, my home life, my career. It seemed like at every front I had ruined us. There were major financial issues, questions of what is this going to look like. All the ways withdrawal can make your whole life seem like one big dumpster fire.

My good news for you is that it's not necessarily a dumpster fire so much as a transforming fire. There is so much good after this. There is so much healing.

I feel like I experienced God in a way that I never would have otherwise, and I came to grips with my humanity in a way that I think I never would have otherwise. It has enlarged me as a person, to have more capacity both for love of other people and for joy, and for enjoying life and the gifts of ordinary life as they are.

That is my hope for you while you're going through some of the worst of this: that there is so much beyond this, and there is so much good that can be happening even through this. I am cheering you on, because there is so much life after this suffering.

❤️‍🩹 Joanna