When you're in a wave, you might be having some of the worst symptoms you've ever felt in your life. And they might not even feel like symptoms. It might feel like this is the real you, and this is as good as it gets, and this is who you truly are, now that you're off the meds.
You might be having thoughts like:
I'm so weak. Why can't I get anything done? I'm so lame. I can't even focus and accomplish a basic task. What is wrong with me? I must have some kind of disability. I'm non-functional. I'm a bad person.
You might be having really bad or negative memories, or distorted memories of things from the past. You might be feeling like this is all your fault, that you never should have been on the meds, that you got yourself into this situation. You might be looping hard on how you got here and how much pain you're in.
You might be thinking, I can't do anything right. I'm a hopeless mess. And you're circling around why, coming up with all kinds of stories about what is really wrong with you and how you're never going to get better.
This is for you.
I offer support groups and 1:1 coaching for those going through withdrawal. If you’d like someone to walk with you through this season, I would love to meet with you. My withdrawal was brutal. I know how dark it can get. I also know how real healing is. I’m now in a place of joy, health, and full life, and I want to support you on your way there.
👉 Go here to see my calendar and register
These Are Wave Thoughts
I just want to name that. These thoughts are not you. This is not you deciding to think negatively. This is what it's like to be in a wave. It can get so dark and so discouraging because there are all these negative automatic thoughts just popping into your head. You might even have suicidal ideation surfacing, or all kinds of severe, worst-case-scenario thinking, either about the past and really dark interpretations of it, or about the future and real catastrophizing.
It can feel severe. It can feel completely convincing. But those are thoughts that come from being in a withdrawal wave. They are a symptom of withdrawal.
What Your Brain Is Actually Doing
In withdrawal, your brain is running on very low rations of serotonin or dopamine. And from that depleted place, it's going to come up with ideas and stories about what happened and why you're feeling so bad. That's your brain trying to work through a healing process, trying to find reasons for your pain. In some ways it's your brain's natural response: I'm in pain. What did I do wrong that caused this? What can I fix?
So you're going to need to remind yourself again and again: this isn't because of something you did wrong. This isn't because you're permanently broken, or because your life is headed somewhere terrible. This is because you're coming off a psychiatric medication that your brain became dependent on, and your brain is having a hard time adjusting right now. It's a painful process. Your brain is figuring out how to regulate itself, bring its own chemistry back online, heal those receptors and nerve endings, and produce those chemicals on its own again.
In the middle of all that, your mind makes up stories. The true story is that this is a withdrawal process, a brain healing process, and the worst-case-scenario version of yourself isn't accurate. You are a lovely person. God made you. You are loved, you belong, you are needed, and you have gifts and talents and rich life experiences and a future. Those things are all true.
The Wave Clouds Your View
Right now, in the middle of a wave, those truths are going to feel very clouded. You might not be able to see them at all. But you will be able to see them again. They will be obvious to you again. You will heal.
What a Window Tells You
If you've had a window, a window is when those symptoms lift and you feel more yourself. You can focus more clearly, think more clearly, enjoy an activity. That's a window. That's a picture of the real you. And you are headed toward that.
The wave is not giving you an accurate picture of who you truly are, of how much hope there is, of all the good ahead of you in your relationships and your purpose and your gifts. Who you are at the core, even apart from what you can contribute, is a gift. And who you are is needed in this world. That is so much more than what you can see and feel in the middle of a wave.
Hold On
Hold on, because this is not all there is. There is so much good ahead, and not just good that you'll agree with mentally while still feeling awful. Good that you will truly experience and be persuaded of, fully, in your mind and your brain and your body and your life.
I was in such deep, dark, dark places that I couldn't even conceptualize how things could turn around. And yet they did. Sometimes you just have to hold on to what other people say who have been through it. Hold on to those evidences of healing: others have come through this horrible experience, and you can too. You can come out the other side feeling grounded and secure, feeling joy and laughter, re-engaging with life, not feeling like you're on the outside or alienated from ordinary life.
A lot of those experiences, the alienation from yourself, from your relationships, from everyday activities, are part of being in a wave or a hard withdrawal process. They will resolve as you heal. You will re-emerge from this.
This moment is not representative of how the rest of your life is going to go. There is so much more and so much better ahead.
❤️🩹 Joanna