Why Withdrawal Symptoms Come and Go

If you have been coming off of your psychiatric medication and you have been feeling some horrible symptoms that come and go, and you want to understand why is it that sometimes you're having these symptoms and sometimes you're doing better, I'm going to share with you some of what's happening in your brain, why you have that pattern of going from more symptoms to less symptoms, and what's really happening in your brain through that healing process.

This explains the window and wave pattern of going from, "Okay, I'm doing better, I can handle more things," to that end of the world crisis dump feeling that comes in a wave when everything seems impossible.

Some people do not have windows. They just feel horrible through the healing process, and that doesn't mean you're not healing. It just means you're having a lot of waves, and it's been pretty intense. But you can still heal through this process. I'm also going to talk about how to recognize a window, how to name it, and how to embrace it.

I went through a horrible psychiatric drug withdrawal that took several years to heal from, and I've healed and come out the other side. I'm here to offer my story of hope and the things I've learned along the way.

Two Healing Parts in Your Brain

Let's dive in talking about what's happening in the window and wave process. I learned this from Mark Horowitz, and also when I did training in addiction recovery, interestingly enough.

What's happening in your brain is there are two healing parts. There's the production of the happy chemicals, the natural happy chemicals like your dopamine, your serotonin, endorphins, any of this regulating chemical production that happens naturally in the human body and keeps us regulated.

That production actually goes down when you're on a medication, because the medication produces these chemicals or gives them to our bodies, and then your body says, "Oh, there's no demand for this anymore. Let's produce less so we don't have this oversupply." So your body downshifts its production. Cease production, oversupply, too much, slow it down. Your body ends up making only a small amount, and it gets used to doing that.

That production side is one side going through major change. Think of it like a staffing problem. "Oh my gosh, we actually have to produce so much more. We have to up our production. We have to change our staffing. We have to make more dopamine, more serotonin, more endorphins. Let's figure out how to do that again." Your body is in this production crisis trying to figure that out.

Then on the other end are the receptors, the receiving end of the happy chemicals, the ones that integrate them into your body and brain. On the receptor end, what can happen in the withdrawal process is that stress on the body and that change can actually cut off the receptors, even sever them. What used to be this tree with branches becomes just a little stick, not even receiving.

So you've got this very slow production of just a tiny little bit, and maybe even that's so minimal, and that's when you have so many waves. If you're in the acute phase, you might feel like you're having no windows at all. That's the crisis of production, and the crisis of receptors, happening together.

Why Symptoms Fluctuate

What happens in the healing process, and this is natural and built into your DNA, is that whole production system figures out how to produce more. Then it has more of these happy chemicals coming. And the receptors grow, so they're able to receive those packages, deliver them, take them in, integrate them.

But at first, the production is spotty. It's not consistent, not steady and regular, not fully sufficient for what your whole body needs. So it may be like, "Oh, there's a little trickle," and your receptor received it, and you have a window for an hour, and you're like, "Oh my gosh, maybe this isn't so bad. Maybe I actually can heal. Maybe I'm actually gonna make a painting someday, or maybe I'll go back to work." The whole world starts to look different.

And then, that was it. You go right back into a wave and you're like, "Oh my gosh, that was so disorienting. It almost made this wave worse. Now I feel worse than I did." That's just that supply and demand not fully online yet. All of that has to heal. All of that production increase through your healing process is your body figuring out how to make all of that again on its own. And then your receptors heal and regrow.

So what was like one little stick that couldn't receive much becomes two, becomes three, becomes four. It becomes more of a full tree. And with healing, production becomes sufficient and the receptors are able to take everything in. That's what people experience, and sometimes it takes a long time.

Just because you're having very few windows, or those windows are really brief and really small, doesn't mean the healing isn't happening.

Nurturing a Process You Can't Rush

If you think of it as a plant, its DNA is to grow, and if it has sunshine, if it has soil, if it has the water it needs, it's just going to grow. You can't necessarily speed it up and say, "Grow faster plant," or "Grow more tree, more leaves on the tree." It's just going to grow at its own pace, and all we can do is provide it with that nurture. In your healing process, just know it's in your DNA to heal. It is built in you to recover from significant injury.

All your job is, is to provide the nurture for it and give it the time, and it's going to happen. Part of that nurture is just the time itself, and things like acceptance, and seeking what regulating you can do for your nervous system, your coping strategies, and any healthy things you can do.

Rest, and care for your body. This is a time of slowing down, caring for your body, and honoring your body's process of healing. That healing will happen, and you kind of have to lean into the process and accept the healing process as it's coming to you. That can be some of the hardest part, the acceptance of how long this can take.

But my encouragement to you is that it is happening. That whole healing of the receptors, healing of the production of the chemicals in your body, is happening. And when you have those windows, that's your picture of normal. That's the good news, that as you heal, you're going to get more of that in your life. When you're on the other side of it, your life is going to be like, "Oh my gosh, how did I get such a good deal on life that I get to live in windows?" That's what you're headed for, that healing. But it does take time, and we have to be patient with the process.

Naming Your Window

That's the other thing I wanted to share with you, how to recognize a window. Some of the wonderful people I get to work with have come up with some great ways of describing their window and wave process.

Some of it I've heard is having a severe wave, having a lesser wave, when you're in a wave but it's not as intense, you're sort of muddling through. Then having a dirty window would be like, "Oh, I'm able to function some and have some clarity, but I'm still having some symptoms, and I don't feel 100%." That would be a dirty window. And that can get dirtier, or it can get clearer. A clear window is having less of those symptoms. A totally clear window would be, "Wow, I feel 100%. I'm able to think so much more clearly and be productive, and I feel like normal."

Through a lot of this process, there's a lot of latitude between those, like, "Okay, I'm just living in a dirty window for days, and I'm not out of my symptoms, but I am able to function. Is this as good as it gets?" And sometimes there's just being in that medium bad wave, where it's not totally acute, where you're not afraid of jumping out a window, but you're feeling horrible and maybe there's just not any hopeful thing you can think about for your future.

That's some of the language I've heard in the community that's been helpful to me, and it can help describe some of that window and wave pattern.

Embrace and Track Every Bit of Progress

One thing that's really important is to notice when you have a bit of a shift. Noticing the positive can actually help in your healing, and being able to mark it and embrace it can help in that brain retraining. Allow yourself to fully enjoy when you do get that twenty minute window or whatever it is. Lean in full tilt.

One of the things I encourage people to do is think of anything positive they can in that window, reframing their life, dreaming of the future, enjoying an activity, or enjoying a family member. Just let yourself fully enjoy that window without having to work on yourself and work on your problems. Because the thing is, so much of your problems are just going to resolve naturally as you heal through this process, because a lot of this is an internal healing job and isn't necessarily something you have to go out and fix. As you heal, your perspective is going to heal, your interpretations, your perspective of yourself and your life, your outlook, your energy, your symptoms, your body symptoms, and your emotional psychological symptoms. Those heal just naturally through this process.

So I encourage you to embrace any part of positive when it does come, lean into it, relish it, and even write it down and try to remember it. "Remember I was in this window and I thought these things about the future. I can't believe that right now, but I thought that in a window, so maybe that's the true perspective." Give yourself that room to believe the window you as the true you, and really let yourself lean into that window, and use it as a reference point, even for when you're in a wave and you may even forget.

Why It's Hard to Remember the Other State

That's the weird part of this, it's almost like we forget the window when we're in a wave, and we can forget the wave when we're in a window. That's because of that state based recall, when you're in a state, you can remember the other times of being in that state. These states of mind just feel so severe, there can seem like this huge difference between the two, and you almost can't recall.

Ultimately, that's good news, because when you heal, you won't be spending a lot of time remembering the worst stuff, because you'll be in that positive place in your mind.

You Are Not Alone in This

Those are just some of the things I've learned from others in the healing journey, and I wanted to share them with you to encourage you that this really will heal in time. If you would like to connect with others as part of your healing journey, I would love to meet with you, or you can join one of our groups, which can be such a gift in the healing process, to hear other people, see their faces, hear their voices, and know there are other people also coming through this and healing. You aren't alone. So just take heart and know that you really aren't alone, and we're cheering you on in your healing.

❤️‍🩹 Joanna